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Living Life on a Walk-About without Bank Accounts or Credit Cards: A Conversation with Lenedra Carroll

Nov 062012
 

On the November 6, 2012 Wealth Psychology Show at Sylvia Global Radio, Emily interviewed author, musician, poet, and luminary, Lenedra Carroll about her experiences over 4 years without having an income, home, or bank accounts.

In the course of our conversation we explored some of Lenedra’s wisdom regarding what it means to be human and spiritual — living fully and passionately from moment to moment.

Lenedra shared how she had to learn to dis-identify with how things had always been done — shifting from being a “mover and shaker” to slowing down and listening to the quiet core of self.

While she closed her bank accounts and cut up her credit cards, she did not simply live off others – she welcomed and received gifts — such as air miles that made it possible to travel to Alaska to see her mother when she was in the hospital — and she also looked at ways to exchange her gifts and talents in return.

She discovered what it was like to flow from a place of peace and trust, and also speaks about that which robs us from being able to live from that place all the time –

1. How the mind questions and worries, wanting to know and have certainty.

2. How others question us and our choices and uncertainty.  Simply not having a particular home caused people to feel uncomfortable, worried, fearful, or intrigued when they’d meet Lenedra.

We explored Lenedra’s definition of “enlightenment” and her approach to spirituality, and what it means to live from true grace.

At the end of the show, we offered the following to our listeners:

Evocative Question: How much do you long for that peace and spiritual experience to be the core of your experience of life?

Inspiring Invitation: What is it you long for? more space? more peace? more joy? more time to be with yourself, with those you love?  We invite you to name it and declare one way you will begin to cultivate even a few moments of it in your life -
perhaps through taking 10 breaths before making an important phone call; perhaps in putting on a favorite, uplifting song to listen to when you are feeling particularly stretched or stressed – using whatever you find helps to bring you back to that quiet center inside.

Useful Tools:
Gratitude/Passion/Pearls Journal — a place to capture your moments of connection, of peace, of joy, of flow… to cultivate you having more of what you long for each and every day.

Sharing Dinner Together — having quality time where you are present with each other has been show to make the biggest positive impact in the lives of your family members.  You may want to have a game that you play as a family that has everyone engaged, such as “High/Low” where everyone shares a high point of their day and a low point and the other members of the family listen.

Book: The Architecture of All Abundance by Lenedra Carroll – where each chapter illustrates ways of incorporating more of what you want at the core of your life to be expressed in every domain of life (health, work, family, money, time…)

 November 6, 2012  Posted by at 6:59 pm Children, Family, Legacy, Parenting, Wealth Psychology, Women and Wealth, women wealth and well being , , , , , ,  No Responses »

Wealth Psychology: Raising Empowered vs. Entitled Children

Oct 032012
 

Listen Now to the Sylvia Global Wealth Psychology show about how affluent parents can raise resilient, savvy kids when it comes to money.

This topic was inspired by listeners who called in last week asking for support with their children ranging in age from 17 months to 22 and over.  These parents are not alone, as multiple research studies have shown that the number one issue that keeps wealthy parents up at night, regardless of the ages of their children, is what the impact of the wealth will be on their offspring.

 

To better understand this dilemma, Dr. Jamie Traeger-Muney gives a great analogy that everyone can relate to regarding fluency.  Parents who are successful with their money may not be necessarily raising children who understand how to relate well with money, much like if parents speak fluent french but never speak it to their children.  And it’s not just about teaching them, as she goes on to explain that if any time the children attempt to speak in French, the parents step in and say it for them, the children have fluent parents, but are completely ignorant of that language themselves and remain dependent on their parents to translate.

 

If you want your children to make wise choices with their money, then a great place to start is by looking at how your actions and your words are showing as well as teaching them.  You may also want to check and see where your actions and values may not be in alignment – research shows that children will learn and be shaped by what they see you doing much more so than by what you tell them to do. They are always watching for when you are being inconsistent or hypocritical – know that you are teaching them all the time and that you have a tremendous amount of influence.

 

Highlights you’ll hear on the show include:

How to start educating kids:

  • Share/Save/Spend jars and more ways to encourage a healthy relationship with money, individually and as a family.
  • Using a family giving jar that everyone contributes to and then weighs in on what to do with when it’s full.
  • Saving for family vacations together and planning together – and possibly giving the opportunity to invest and grow the money for even nicer vacations.
  • Allowance – tied to age and ability to be responsible, not to “chores”

– All the strategies covered during the show are about giving children the opportunity to learn and make mistakes when the cost of their mistakes are relatively low, and the value of the learning and lessons are very high.

Shifting “chores” to “contributions” – where all family members have a contribution to make to the overall running of the household.  In life we all encounter things that need to get done that we may not want to do, and, that when we do them, make our life and the lives of those around us, that much better overall.

Addressing the objections of kids, like: “It’s not fair!” — recognizing and agreeing that life truly isn’t “fair” is part of the equation. The other key ingredient is looking at where you experience privilege and opportunity that others don’t have access to and tapping into a sense of genuine gratitude.

Ways to deal with resistance to taking responsibility — the key concept here is to engage and know that your kids want your attention and your interest in their lives – not so much that you’ll do it all for them (though they will definitely try to get you to!), but more that you’ll help jump start them, and also model for them how you take care of your responsibilities too.

 

During the show, we also addressed the power of the stories, idioms, and words we use when we speak about money and wealth.  We explored the idiom “Sharing the spoils” and looked at how this may have a negative connotation attached to money – where our wealth occurred by dominating or taking something from someone else.  Listen for the idioms and phrases in your head and that you hear in your family when it comes to choices around how to spend money, give money, or save money.

 

We always end our shows with “Take Away’s” to empower our listeners:

  • Evocative Question: What one small thing can you shift in your parenting style that will bring your children closer to being more empowered around money and choices?
  • Inspiring Invitation: Look and see how you are modeling the kind of behaviors you are wanting to see your children grow to have as their natural way of moving and being with their money and wealth.  If you see that your actions aren’t keeping up with your wishes, that’s a great place to start.
  • Useful Tools:
      • Share/Save/Spend Jars: Create a container with three aspects to it – so that you are effectively showing your children that they can make empowered choices related to where they put their money.
      • Books: The Price of Privilege by Levine; Good Kids, Tough Choices by Kidder,  Silver Spoon Kids by Gallos and Children of Paradise by Hausner.
      • Website: Free Rice — an online game for kids of any age where correct answers earn grains of rice that are given to people who are in need.

 

For more information about how to minimize the potential negative impact of wealth on your children, how to navigate emotional conversations related to financial and estate planning, or how to feel more competent and at ease with your money and wealth, contact us for an initial consultation.

**********************************

About Wealth Legacy Group:  Principals, Emily Bouchard and Jamie Traeger-Muney, are professionals who specialize in the emotional impact of money on individuals and families. We know that even the healthiest relationships are challenged when money is a factor. And we know that being affluent doesn’t necessarily mean having all the answers.  We provide a safe environment to help you manage your emotional assets,  clarify personal issues surrounding wealth, and provide guidance to resolve them.

About Sylvia Global: Founded by Gael Sylvia, this multi-media production company is passionate about changing how we think about the wealthy and presenting content that really makes a difference in the lives of listeners and viewers.  The focus on Sylvia Global is on facilitating conversations about Women, Philanthropy, Wealth, and Wellness.

 

 

 

 October 3, 2012  Posted by at 12:28 am Advisor Education, Blended Family Estate Planning, Children, Family, Family Philanthropy, financial education, money, money and children, Parenting, Parenting Differences, Wealth Psychology , , , , , , , , , , , ,  No Responses »

September 16th is Stepfamily Day!

Sep 142012
 

In the United States, and perhaps in other countries as well, September 16 has been designated as “Stepfamily Day”.  A day dedicated to the stepfamily. A day to honor all the StepHeroesTM out there who choose every day to be parents to ALL the children in their lives.

I will be featured on Headline News Weekend Express with Natasha Curry this Sunday to talk about Stepfamily Day and the challenges blended families face.

What will you do to honor your family on this special day?

  • Some communities have picnic celebrations planned.
  • Some blended families choose to spend the day together, as a family, without any electronic devices on for the whole day.
  • Other stepfamilies go to a favorite place with friends and play together. 

The truth is that the vast majority let the day go by as any other day and miss the chance to honor themselves for all the effort and hard work it takes to make a blended family work.  Why? Because they do not even know this day exists for them.  They are not aware of all the resources out there for them.  They believe that they are the only ones who are experiencing what it is like to be in a blended family and they feel all alone.

Time to Celebrate!

This could be a great opportunity to reach out to other step and blended families in your community.  Here are some ideas:

  • Arrange a spontaneous pot-luck, where you invite two other families you know who are also blended, and ask each of them to invite two blended families that they know.
  • Have some activities planned for the different age groups of children, and plan to meet at a location that can accommodate you all (one of your homes; a nearby park or playground; a community center; …).
  • This doesn’t have to be fancy and you do not have to spend a ton of money.  In fact, you can have each family bring one of their favorite games to play, and see what you discover – how many are the same? How many are different?  Which ones have never been played? Which ones are the ones everybody knows and has? …  Spend the day connecting and being with others who are blending too.

Step and Blended Families that choose to make this kind of effort are always amazed at the rewards that happen unexpectedly.  Oftentimes, they enjoy the experience so much that they decide to make it a monthly event, with a different theme each month.

 

Excited or Resistant?

Are you finding yourself excited and elated by this idea? Or are your first thoughts those of resistance or dread?

Notice how your mind is responding to this idea.  Is it coming up with all kinds of reasons why you could not or would not or should not do this?  While all those reasons may appear to be valid, chances are they are not necessarily true.

Our minds have a way of keeping us from trying or doing anything that is different or out of the ordinary.  This is a natural, healthy defense mechanism designed to keep us safe.  The problem is that what we perceive as safe is often just what is familiar.  The unfamiliar is then deemed to be unsafe, when the reality is that it can be very safe, fun, fulfilling, and full of new possibilities.

 

Could your blended family use a fun boost during this busy, back-to-school season? Could you use a break from the stress and day to day responsibilities and obligations?  And, this idea can be tapped into any day, not just September 16!

 

ACTION STEP: 

Here’s my challenge to you:  Make a commitment to honor Stepfamily Day in whatever way seems right for you, sometime within the next week (this weekend if at all possible).  I invite you to take a step towards even greater enjoyment and connection in your blended family.

 September 14, 2012  Posted by at 10:07 pm Blended Family Estate Planning, Family, Stepchildren, stepfamily, Uncategorized , , , , , ,  No Responses »

Blended Families Bond Using Giving and Philanthropy

Jul 132012
 

 

Families of all shapes and sizes and backgrounds can benefit from understanding how to incorporate giving into their family conversations and activities. There are other distinct advantages to introducing giving into your stepfamily system.

In stepfamilies, there are children who, more than likely, are not enthralled with the reconfiguration of their family.  One powerful way to begin to blend your family is to introduce a conversation around giving back and philanthropy.

No matter how conflictual the situation may be in your stepfamily situation, you can be sure that there are other families out there who are seriously challenged, be it with poverty and homelessness, with illness or developmental delays; or with lack of access to resources like medical care, clean water, healthy food, etc.

 

When we tell our kids and stepkids to “count their blessings” they are likely to focus on what they are unhappy about and what’s wrong in their life.  When we show our children through example, through direct experience, and through mediums that resonate with them, how truly lucky they are, they can begin to draw on the healing power of gratitude in their lives.

 

Giving is Good For You

Research shows that when we are generous, when we volunteer and donate, we FEEL better – literally. It turns out that being altruistic is one of the more healthy acts we can perform – it helps us be more optimistic, resilient, and physically well, throughout our lives.  What most people don’t realize is that it’s not about the SIZE of the gift – it’s the act of giving – that makes the difference. Anyone can be philanthropic – the word simply means acting on one’s love of mankind.  We can show our love for others in all sorts of ways, regardless of how much money we have in the bank.

Involving All Family Members – No Matter the Ages

When considering opening up the possibility of giving together, a great place to start is to find out what each person in your family has experienced around giving.

 

A way to begin is to simply explore how giving has been experienced, such as:

We all give and receive and some experiences are more memorable than others. Let’s all take a couple of minutes to share a time when we each gave in a way that really felt good, and also a time when we received that was particularly special.

 

This conversation could be used to capture some initial family values that each of you share individually.  As people share you could have pieces of plain paper or a roll of butcher paper in front of you with different colored markers.  As you listen, anyone could pick up a marker and write down or draw a picture capturing the value that they are hearing in what someone is sharing.

 

Once all your stories and values have been captured, see where there may be some overlapping values that you call are aligned with – you can group similar words together and come up with one or two words that capture that theme.  These shared values create the cornerstone of your blended family’s foundation.

 

From Values to Family Mission

Once you all agree on your particular shared values (these could be anything from kindness to generosity to education to animals to orderliness…) you can then explore your collective mission that you would all feel good about getting behind in your giving.

 

For example, if you all agree on generosity, your mission could be something like: “We tithe 10% of what we receive financially towards those who don’t have as much as we do.” If your shared value includes animals, you could have a statement such as: “We give x # of hours each month to an organization that shelters animals.”

 

The most important part of all these activities is to include everyone and to make it a shared exploration. If any one person over-rides others, you will not have engagement, you will have resentment.  If it becomes a power struggle between certain family members, see what you can do to let go of any agenda or attachment to how this is all supposed to turn out or look, and begin to get curious about what else is trying to happen.

 

Maybe your particular family isn’t ready to draft a mission yet and needs a chance to explore other ways of giving together.

 

Giving Together Builds Traditions

Blended families can be challenged in having shared traditions. They often have fractured times during holidays and other celebrations due to the different family homes and dynamics.  Having a central theme around giving that your blended family does together gives you a chance to create new, shared experiences and traditions that are your own.  Families feel closer and more bonded and connected when they share in experiences that help them feel good – positive memories last a lifetime and do wonders for building bridges.

Resources

When thinking about incorporating giving in your family, there are some terrific resources to help you get started. Some of these that I’ve found to be particularly helpful are:

Youth Give – their resources page has free downloadable pdfs with excellent conversation starters, family activities, and a resource list including books for children of all ages – all created by Lisa Parker of Family Circle Advisors.

Catalytic Women — a memberships site with an extensive library of resources for anyone interested in becoming philanthropically involved.  They also do a series of webinars and host evocative conversations and events related to philanthropy.  We presented on Philanthropic Journeys with Family with Melanie Hamburger for their July webinar – go here to learn more.

Inspired Legacies – Tracy Gary, author of Inspired Philanthropy, provides consultation and speaks about philanthropy and is a leading expert in the field.

 

For More Information – Join Us Tuesday, July17th, in Riverside CA at StepFamily Systems!

Or Contact Us for a private consultation

 

 

 July 13, 2012  Posted by at 4:00 am Blended Family Estate Planning, Blended Family Giving, Blended Family Philanthropy, Children, Couples and Estate Planning, Family, Family Philanthropy, Legacy, Philanthropy, Stepchildren , , , , , , , , ,  No Responses »

Philanthropic Journeys: Connecting Family Travel, Values and Giving

Jul 062012
 

Enjoy this guest post from Melanie Hamburger from Catalytic Women:

I was talking recently with a member of Catalytic Women and mentioned the topic of connecting family travel plans with our values of giving back. (Catalytic Women hosts a free webinar on this topic on July 11, so it must have been on my mind! Click here to RSVP).  The story she shared about her family’s philanthropic journeys is worth repeating. I loved it as an example of how we share our passions with others and, in particular, the multifaceted roles of women as providers, nurturers and educators.

 

Her parents founded a business together. Perhaps this formed their culture of aligning family values, good fortune and lifelong learning. As her mom considered retiring she reflected on her love of traveling. What began as special trips with her children – celebrating her daughters’ 30th and 40th birthdays in Africa or India; a coming of age trip when each grandchild turned 10 – morphed into a travel business. Completely self-taught, she modeled her trips on well-known destination planners but then did it her own way, adding shared local experiences such as volunteering. Her philanthropic journeys included family and shaped her new “post-retirement” career.

 

Most of us have good intentions to create these kinds of experiences for our own families – as we plan travels to local or far-flung destinations. But how can we truly make the most out of our summer travel plans, without it feeling like one more thing to do… to research… to figure out… to do well?

 

I’m interested in ways that you include children of any age in planning your travels. How do you bring giving into vacations and ignite their curiosity about others?

 

Intense school homework loads, competitive sports and omnipresent technological distractions have never made it harder to carve out “quality” family time. And who wants the killjoy of insisting that these rare times together include “learning” and “giving”? Getting our kids excited about where we’re going and what we can do together shouldn’t feel so hard.

 

Surely, there must be some examples of ways to bring out the best in ourselves as we travel together that feel do-able for busy families! Let’s get past that self-inflicted goal of perfect parenting. Let’s just start with what we can do now.

 

It’s not too late to make this summer vacation a time of travel and connecting as a family. Share your experiences with us. How do you and your family unplug from day to day responsibilities, emails, and electronics, so that you can use the precious few weeks of summer to plug into experiences that instill a sense of resilience and appreciation, and expand the hearts and minds of your children?

 

We’ll share your stories on July 11, when Catalytic Women founder Melanie Hamburger taps the expertise of Jamie Traeger-Muney and Emily Bouchard of Wealth Legacy Group by sharing real life stories, examples and results from philanthropic journeys. Join this conversation about women, wealth and philanthropy on travel and children. Share and learn how to engage multiple generations in the planning and implementing of family travel and giving experiences – tapping the nature of our “true wealth.” Regardless of age, or even if we define family as a group of our closest friends, the spirit of our summer travel get us thinking about our impact on the larger world around us.

 

Contact us with your ideas, successes and challenges. To join the July 11 webinar, register here.

 

 July 6, 2012  Posted by at 9:24 pm Adviser education, Advisers, Advisor Education, Children, Family, Legacy, Stepchildren, Wealth Psychology, Women and Wealth , , , , , , ,  No Responses »

Movie Brave Illustrates the Integration of the Animal Within

Jun 262012
 

A recent query on Huffington post surprised me because what stymied the author was so obvious to me.

His question: What causes Queen Elinor to act like a real bear?

My response:

We witness the absurdity of Queen Elinor as a bear attempting to eat with a knife and fork.  She is enormous and unaware of her new dimensions and capacities.  She first taps into her “animal” nature when her daughter, Merida, encourages to fish for herself.  As Elinor rises to enter into the river, she takes off her crown, symbolizing the weight of the tremendous responsibilities she feels as a queen and mother.  She then experiences freedom as she takes risks, makes mistakes, and discovers her long-lost instinctual, creative nature that could even catch fish in her mouth.

 

After having a taste of this important, essential animal-quality of self, she was not going to give it up so easily.  In a very real sense she had to completely forget the “queenly” ways of being that she had overly-identified with in order to somehow keep ahold of the other aspect of her spirit she had just accessed in the wild flowing river – symbolizing true engagement with life.

 

The second time she succumbs completely to her bear/animal nature is when she sees the apple, symbolizing the inner conflict of the dual roles of decorum and standards vs. spontaneity and intuition.  She’d had a taste of the freedom that comes with her animal and was going to fight to keep it alive.

 

At the end of the movie, the woman Elinor emerges, changed and whole, able to integrate her wild, free, feminine side with her ruling, nurturing, mothering sides as well.  In this way, Merida too is able to let go of vehemently identifying with her wild animal nature and can become more fully integrated as well.

 

So often in families, when one person represses essential, core qualities of who they are, other members of the family (most often the children) will take on those rejected, denied qualities – to their own detriment.  They become overly identified with those wild, ungrounded aspects of self to the exclusion of the other, capable competencies also required of us to live successfully in modern society.

 

The hopeful message at the end of the movie for me is that we truly can integrate all aspects of ourselves and be that much more empowered and able to live from our hearts and our true natures – bringing greater peace to all our relating as a result.  It’s impossible to relate peacefully when we are at war within ourselves.

 

 

 

 June 26, 2012  Posted by at 3:03 pm Family , , , , , , , , , ,  No Responses »

Movie Brave! Brings Forward the Painful Dynamic between Mothers and Daughters

Jun 262012
 

What is it that keeps mothers and daughters from listening to each other about what matters most to them?  The pain of not being “gotten” by one’s mother is a core wound that perpetuates the cycle of not listening to each other generation after generation. Seeing “Brave” this weekend fueled this burning question that drives me, furthering my desire to do what I can to shift this enduring dynamic and possibly promote a bit more peace in the process.

 

In “Brave” the well intended mother, queen Elinor, goes over-board in attempting to have her daughter, Merida, be “perfect” without giving Merida her reasons why. Without tapping into what drives Merida and then aligning that with her own values and core beliefs, Elinor misses her mark again and again… as most well intended mothers do.

 

In the movie, there’s a vignette where both mother and daughter as speaking frankly, and from open, compassionate hearts, stating their sides of the issue with warmth, love, and a desire for the other to listen…and neither one of them is with the other at the time (Merida is with her horse and Elinor is role-playing with the king).  I love this section because it shows two common occurrences in families:

1. The sincere desire to express oneself and to have our hearts deepest concerns and desires heard and understood, and

2. The complete lack of competence and confidence in HOW to have emotionally charged conversations in ways that actually strengthen relationships.

 

I’ve been baffled by this paradox throughout the course of my life, and I am passionate about bringing skills and tools to parents to build healthier, heart-centered communication into the lives of their families, shifting age-old dynamics and bringing a greater sense of fulfillment.

 

For this reason, Paul and I devote all of Chapter 2 in Estate Planning for the Blended Family to communication approaches and techniques.  We also show typical patterns that impact how couples and parents relate, especially when it comes to emotional decisions related to the money, planning, and death.

 

Richard Paris, family and estate planning attorney at California Law and Mediation Inc., gave me a recent insight into what perpetuates this ongoing inability to communicate effectively when he reviewed the book and made specific reference to Chapter 2:  “This Chapter is all about cooperative, non-threatening communication – a topic that should be a national obsession, but which sadly is almost completely ignored because most people do not want to switch to the vulnerability and lack of control of open, direct, non-defensive communication.”

 

The fear of being vulnerable, exposed, and undefended keeps us perpetuating what amounts to violence in our families. “Brave” does a beautiful job of showing how that dynamic plays out and how much damage it can do, in a metaphorical way, as Merida’s wish to control her mother leads her to turn her mother into a bear – becoming externally what Merida experiences her as being internally.

 

Any mother viewing this will see herself, not only in Elinor’s role, but also in Merida’s. That’s the key to shifting this dynamic. When a mother can tap into her love and compassion for HERSELF as a teen who desperately wanted her mother to listen and “get” her, she can then use that inner hunger to give to her daughter that which she never truly received.  By tapping in to the original wound that is often so painful that we ignore and deny it, we are able to heal and transform it, for ourselves as mothers, and for our daughters – and their daughters as well.

 June 26, 2012  Posted by at 1:03 pm Children, Family , , , , ,  No Responses »

What if…

Jun 122012
 

What if we stopped aligning with a team, with a religion, with a country, with a political party, with a mother against a father when there’s been a divorce?

What if we stopped hating those who are different from us and those who have more or less than us?

What if instead we met each other as human being to human being, honoring that we are all doing the best we can,

and that we all have hopes and dreams and doubts and fears

and

we showed up in the spirit of what’s in our hearts,

instead of what we think we should do based on rules and beliefs and norms?

What would the world be like then?

This simple story touches the heart because it bypasses the norm of what you “should” do in sports – and where the Golden Rule over-rode the typical rule of sports where winning the game matters most. The girls in this story stepped into what it means to truly win in this game of life we’re all playing together.

 

 June 12, 2012  Posted by at 8:50 pm Bridging the Gap, Children, Family, Gay Marriage, GLBT, Parenting Differences , , , , , , , , ,  No Responses »

Teenagers vs. StepMoms – Who Should Dad Defend?

May 262012
 

I recently received a request for help regarding a common scenario encountered by most stepmoms I work with.  The stepdaughters in this situation didn’t do one thing they were supposed to but did do another chore that also often got missed. Their dad quickly came to their defense against their stepmom right in front of them, causing the stepmom to feel disempowered and disrepected, driving a further wedge between her and her husband and his girls.  This is so unfortunate and causes underlying hurt, anger and resentment to erode the love that had the two of them try to make a go of it in the first place. What follows is her request for help and my response – I welcome your responses too!

Dear Emily,

One of the biggest issues I have is this:

If something bothers me about my step kids and I go to my husband to talk to him about it, he often gets defensive and defends the kids. I hate this.  Recently this happened.

I came home and my stepdaughters were heading outside. I piped up and said….Oh the kitchen floor didn’t get swept yet (it’s my youngest stepdaughters chore)  The middle stepdaughter pipes up…and in a whining voice …said…. But WEEEE just did ALLLLLLL the dishes! I said that’s ok …I’ll just do it….so I decided I’ll just do it. My husband then enters the room and said the same thing… “They just did ALLL the dishes!” I’ve explained to him that my relationship with the kids is already fragile and when he defends them instead of me they have no reason to respect me. He just doesn’t get it.

“Cathy”

Dear “Cathy”,

I recall many a situation like this with my teenaged stepdaughters and their dad when I first entered their lives.  You are definitely not alone in this one, and I know many other can relate to the frustration and the hurt you feel around how the girls treat you and how your husband didn’t support you.  What I’d like to offer to you is how you might be able to better respond and support yourself in situations like this one in the future (yes, I’m afraid you’re very likely to encounter this scenario again and again).

One thing that can often happen in stepfamily situations like yours is that relating tends to focus on what’s not right and what we don’t like instead of what we enjoy about each other. It becomes a bit of a negative feedback loop and before we know it, everyone’s walking around on eggshells and defensive.

 

In the situation you describe, what I notice is that your “piping up” may have been the first or primary interaction with the girls that day – and if they reacted the way they did, chances are they were expecting and looking for how you were going to point out something you would like to be different – which most likely gets experienced by them as criticism or even as an attack.  That’s what happens in the body when we go to defensiveness – we’re feeling attacked somehow.

 

If you would like less of these sorts of interactions, I’d recommend you try the following for a week and see what happens (it may take more time for them to get that it’s for real, if this has been a long standing pattern):

 

1. When you encounter each other, have a warm, genuine greeting and comment on something you enjoy about them honestly (cute outfit; love the way you fixed your hair; nice to see all of you together; looks like you’re going to go have some fun…)

 

2. Then, check in – and find out what they have done that they’d like to share with you first – things like: “real quick, give me a highlight from your day”; or “in one minute, tell me something you’re proud of that you accomplished today”; or “what’s a nice thing that happened for you today?” or “what’s something you did you feel good about?” or in this particular situation: “I’d like to know what’s been happening on the home front – catch me up real quick before you head out.”

 

3. If they share something they have done, like washing all the dishes, give them genuine acknowledgement and appreciation. “Good to know. I’m so relieved I’m coming home to a sink free of dirty dishes – Thanks!”

 

4. Then, after acknowledgments and connecting genuinely, you can ask – “Is there anything else related to the house and our agreements that would be good to address before you head out?” or “Anything that didn’t get done I should be aware of so I’m not surprised?” …

Then, if the youngest fesses up to not sweeping, you have lots of options:

Genuinely say you’d be happy to do it on this occasion, and be grateful she let you know

or

Thank her for giving you the heads up and ask her when she can commit to having it done by and give her a chance to fulfill her obligation.

You can also offer to help her out when she does it at the time she says – “Great – I’ll be here and can hold the dustpan for you and we’ll get it done in no time.”

The more you’re in a good mood about it, the more they’ll be pleasant back to you.

 

You’re in a thankless role most of the time. What I’ve found to make it more pleasant is to be honestly thankful for small, little things, and to use opportunities when you can to connect and to promote a feeling of “we” and “we’re all in this together” which will have you all feeling more like a family.

 

In terms of their father – the less he feels in the middle, the less he’ll have to take sides.  If he’s defending his girls, you can get a lot of good feedback from him about what he sees they need to be defended from – what’s going on that has him feel a need to jump to their defense against you.  This may not be easy to hear, and you may find yourself feeling defensive too.  Keep breathing, and allow yourself to listen and learn.  Then, offer to him where you’re coming from and your challenges – not so much from being right about your position, but more from a place of how hard your role is and how much his support means to you.  Then the two of you can explore how you can be more aligned as a couple when it comes to your home and how you’d like things to be together for the two of you and for all of you as you go forward.

 May 26, 2012  Posted by at 9:33 pm Children, Family, Parenting Differences, Stepchildren , , , , ,  No Responses »

Mary Kennedy’s Suicide – A Painful Legacy and Dueling Families

May 252012
 

On May 16th, 2012, Mary Kennedy, estranged wife of Robert Kennedy Jr., took her life.

Her suicide devastated her family on multiple levels, resulting in two separate funerals with her family of origin at one and the Kennedys at the other – with neither side included at the other.  I wonder what her children would have wanted.  At least they got to choose where she was buried.

The emotional landmines associated with an unexpected, painful, confusing suicide can blow a family apart and wreck havoc on the lives of the children.  The need to find fault when looking for a reason for why she would take her life, kept her children from being able to reach out and experience warmth from all those who loved their mother when the children needed them the most.

When we are certain about who is right and who is to blame, we close down and limit possibilities for intimate connection, for loving support, and for much needed understanding.  When we can let go of needing to be right, and can open our hearts – in the midst of terrible pain — we are able to connect from a place of love and begin to dispel some of the hurt, and even hatred.  In this way, healing can begin to happen and the suffering that led to a suicide in the first place can begin to dissipate as those who experience that deep loss can console and support each other.

Children need the adults in their lives to stop blaming each other when they are upset and unhappy.

Children need the adults who love them to stop and ask: “What would love do?” when confronted with something as painful as a suicide.

This traumatic time will be forever branded in the hearts and minds of Mary’s children, and will shape their relationships with each other, with their loved ones now, and with their future spouses and partners.  This is Mary’s legacy, and it is being solidified by the warring factions that are her children’s family members.  For Conor, 17, Kyra, 16, Fin, 14 and Aidan, 10, trust has been shattered by their mother, and instead of joining together to pick up the pieces, her family members picked up the shards and pointed the sharp ends at each other, causing rifts to grow deeper.

When we focus on our anger and hate, we don’t have to feel the sadness, grief, and sorrow, nor do we have to wrestle with the confusion and uncertainty that is the truth – the only one who will ever know the reason for her suicide is Mary herself.

My heart and prayers go out to all the members of her family and my sincere wish is that they can find a way to come together with respect, honor, and love.

 

 May 25, 2012  Posted by at 6:25 am Children, Family, Legacy, Suicide, Talking about Death , , , ,  No Responses »
© 2012 Emily Bouchard | 336 Bon Air Center, #145 · Greenbrae, CA 94904 | info@emilybouchard.com