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Living Life on a Walk-About without Bank Accounts or Credit Cards: A Conversation with Lenedra Carroll

Nov 062012
 

On the November 6, 2012 Wealth Psychology Show at Sylvia Global Radio, Emily interviewed author, musician, poet, and luminary, Lenedra Carroll about her experiences over 4 years without having an income, home, or bank accounts.

In the course of our conversation we explored some of Lenedra’s wisdom regarding what it means to be human and spiritual — living fully and passionately from moment to moment.

Lenedra shared how she had to learn to dis-identify with how things had always been done — shifting from being a “mover and shaker” to slowing down and listening to the quiet core of self.

While she closed her bank accounts and cut up her credit cards, she did not simply live off others – she welcomed and received gifts — such as air miles that made it possible to travel to Alaska to see her mother when she was in the hospital — and she also looked at ways to exchange her gifts and talents in return.

She discovered what it was like to flow from a place of peace and trust, and also speaks about that which robs us from being able to live from that place all the time –

1. How the mind questions and worries, wanting to know and have certainty.

2. How others question us and our choices and uncertainty.  Simply not having a particular home caused people to feel uncomfortable, worried, fearful, or intrigued when they’d meet Lenedra.

We explored Lenedra’s definition of “enlightenment” and her approach to spirituality, and what it means to live from true grace.

At the end of the show, we offered the following to our listeners:

Evocative Question: How much do you long for that peace and spiritual experience to be the core of your experience of life?

Inspiring Invitation: What is it you long for? more space? more peace? more joy? more time to be with yourself, with those you love?  We invite you to name it and declare one way you will begin to cultivate even a few moments of it in your life -
perhaps through taking 10 breaths before making an important phone call; perhaps in putting on a favorite, uplifting song to listen to when you are feeling particularly stretched or stressed – using whatever you find helps to bring you back to that quiet center inside.

Useful Tools:
Gratitude/Passion/Pearls Journal — a place to capture your moments of connection, of peace, of joy, of flow… to cultivate you having more of what you long for each and every day.

Sharing Dinner Together — having quality time where you are present with each other has been show to make the biggest positive impact in the lives of your family members.  You may want to have a game that you play as a family that has everyone engaged, such as “High/Low” where everyone shares a high point of their day and a low point and the other members of the family listen.

Book: The Architecture of All Abundance by Lenedra Carroll – where each chapter illustrates ways of incorporating more of what you want at the core of your life to be expressed in every domain of life (health, work, family, money, time…)

 November 6, 2012  Posted by at 6:59 pm Children, Family, Legacy, Parenting, Wealth Psychology, Women and Wealth, women wealth and well being , , , , , ,  No Responses »

Blended Families Bond Using Giving and Philanthropy

Jul 132012
 

 

Families of all shapes and sizes and backgrounds can benefit from understanding how to incorporate giving into their family conversations and activities. There are other distinct advantages to introducing giving into your stepfamily system.

In stepfamilies, there are children who, more than likely, are not enthralled with the reconfiguration of their family.  One powerful way to begin to blend your family is to introduce a conversation around giving back and philanthropy.

No matter how conflictual the situation may be in your stepfamily situation, you can be sure that there are other families out there who are seriously challenged, be it with poverty and homelessness, with illness or developmental delays; or with lack of access to resources like medical care, clean water, healthy food, etc.

 

When we tell our kids and stepkids to “count their blessings” they are likely to focus on what they are unhappy about and what’s wrong in their life.  When we show our children through example, through direct experience, and through mediums that resonate with them, how truly lucky they are, they can begin to draw on the healing power of gratitude in their lives.

 

Giving is Good For You

Research shows that when we are generous, when we volunteer and donate, we FEEL better – literally. It turns out that being altruistic is one of the more healthy acts we can perform – it helps us be more optimistic, resilient, and physically well, throughout our lives.  What most people don’t realize is that it’s not about the SIZE of the gift – it’s the act of giving – that makes the difference. Anyone can be philanthropic – the word simply means acting on one’s love of mankind.  We can show our love for others in all sorts of ways, regardless of how much money we have in the bank.

Involving All Family Members – No Matter the Ages

When considering opening up the possibility of giving together, a great place to start is to find out what each person in your family has experienced around giving.

 

A way to begin is to simply explore how giving has been experienced, such as:

We all give and receive and some experiences are more memorable than others. Let’s all take a couple of minutes to share a time when we each gave in a way that really felt good, and also a time when we received that was particularly special.

 

This conversation could be used to capture some initial family values that each of you share individually.  As people share you could have pieces of plain paper or a roll of butcher paper in front of you with different colored markers.  As you listen, anyone could pick up a marker and write down or draw a picture capturing the value that they are hearing in what someone is sharing.

 

Once all your stories and values have been captured, see where there may be some overlapping values that you call are aligned with – you can group similar words together and come up with one or two words that capture that theme.  These shared values create the cornerstone of your blended family’s foundation.

 

From Values to Family Mission

Once you all agree on your particular shared values (these could be anything from kindness to generosity to education to animals to orderliness…) you can then explore your collective mission that you would all feel good about getting behind in your giving.

 

For example, if you all agree on generosity, your mission could be something like: “We tithe 10% of what we receive financially towards those who don’t have as much as we do.” If your shared value includes animals, you could have a statement such as: “We give x # of hours each month to an organization that shelters animals.”

 

The most important part of all these activities is to include everyone and to make it a shared exploration. If any one person over-rides others, you will not have engagement, you will have resentment.  If it becomes a power struggle between certain family members, see what you can do to let go of any agenda or attachment to how this is all supposed to turn out or look, and begin to get curious about what else is trying to happen.

 

Maybe your particular family isn’t ready to draft a mission yet and needs a chance to explore other ways of giving together.

 

Giving Together Builds Traditions

Blended families can be challenged in having shared traditions. They often have fractured times during holidays and other celebrations due to the different family homes and dynamics.  Having a central theme around giving that your blended family does together gives you a chance to create new, shared experiences and traditions that are your own.  Families feel closer and more bonded and connected when they share in experiences that help them feel good – positive memories last a lifetime and do wonders for building bridges.

Resources

When thinking about incorporating giving in your family, there are some terrific resources to help you get started. Some of these that I’ve found to be particularly helpful are:

Youth Give – their resources page has free downloadable pdfs with excellent conversation starters, family activities, and a resource list including books for children of all ages – all created by Lisa Parker of Family Circle Advisors.

Catalytic Women — a memberships site with an extensive library of resources for anyone interested in becoming philanthropically involved.  They also do a series of webinars and host evocative conversations and events related to philanthropy.  We presented on Philanthropic Journeys with Family with Melanie Hamburger for their July webinar – go here to learn more.

Inspired Legacies – Tracy Gary, author of Inspired Philanthropy, provides consultation and speaks about philanthropy and is a leading expert in the field.

 

For More Information – Join Us Tuesday, July17th, in Riverside CA at StepFamily Systems!

Or Contact Us for a private consultation

 

 

 July 13, 2012  Posted by at 4:00 am Blended Family Estate Planning, Blended Family Giving, Blended Family Philanthropy, Children, Couples and Estate Planning, Family, Family Philanthropy, Legacy, Philanthropy, Stepchildren , , , , , , , , ,  No Responses »

What if…

Jun 122012
 

What if we stopped aligning with a team, with a religion, with a country, with a political party, with a mother against a father when there’s been a divorce?

What if we stopped hating those who are different from us and those who have more or less than us?

What if instead we met each other as human being to human being, honoring that we are all doing the best we can,

and that we all have hopes and dreams and doubts and fears

and

we showed up in the spirit of what’s in our hearts,

instead of what we think we should do based on rules and beliefs and norms?

What would the world be like then?

This simple story touches the heart because it bypasses the norm of what you “should” do in sports – and where the Golden Rule over-rode the typical rule of sports where winning the game matters most. The girls in this story stepped into what it means to truly win in this game of life we’re all playing together.

 

 June 12, 2012  Posted by at 8:50 pm Bridging the Gap, Children, Family, Gay Marriage, GLBT, Parenting Differences , , , , , , , , ,  No Responses »

Teenagers vs. StepMoms – Who Should Dad Defend?

May 262012
 

I recently received a request for help regarding a common scenario encountered by most stepmoms I work with.  The stepdaughters in this situation didn’t do one thing they were supposed to but did do another chore that also often got missed. Their dad quickly came to their defense against their stepmom right in front of them, causing the stepmom to feel disempowered and disrepected, driving a further wedge between her and her husband and his girls.  This is so unfortunate and causes underlying hurt, anger and resentment to erode the love that had the two of them try to make a go of it in the first place. What follows is her request for help and my response – I welcome your responses too!

Dear Emily,

One of the biggest issues I have is this:

If something bothers me about my step kids and I go to my husband to talk to him about it, he often gets defensive and defends the kids. I hate this.  Recently this happened.

I came home and my stepdaughters were heading outside. I piped up and said….Oh the kitchen floor didn’t get swept yet (it’s my youngest stepdaughters chore)  The middle stepdaughter pipes up…and in a whining voice …said…. But WEEEE just did ALLLLLLL the dishes! I said that’s ok …I’ll just do it….so I decided I’ll just do it. My husband then enters the room and said the same thing… “They just did ALLL the dishes!” I’ve explained to him that my relationship with the kids is already fragile and when he defends them instead of me they have no reason to respect me. He just doesn’t get it.

“Cathy”

Dear “Cathy”,

I recall many a situation like this with my teenaged stepdaughters and their dad when I first entered their lives.  You are definitely not alone in this one, and I know many other can relate to the frustration and the hurt you feel around how the girls treat you and how your husband didn’t support you.  What I’d like to offer to you is how you might be able to better respond and support yourself in situations like this one in the future (yes, I’m afraid you’re very likely to encounter this scenario again and again).

One thing that can often happen in stepfamily situations like yours is that relating tends to focus on what’s not right and what we don’t like instead of what we enjoy about each other. It becomes a bit of a negative feedback loop and before we know it, everyone’s walking around on eggshells and defensive.

 

In the situation you describe, what I notice is that your “piping up” may have been the first or primary interaction with the girls that day – and if they reacted the way they did, chances are they were expecting and looking for how you were going to point out something you would like to be different – which most likely gets experienced by them as criticism or even as an attack.  That’s what happens in the body when we go to defensiveness – we’re feeling attacked somehow.

 

If you would like less of these sorts of interactions, I’d recommend you try the following for a week and see what happens (it may take more time for them to get that it’s for real, if this has been a long standing pattern):

 

1. When you encounter each other, have a warm, genuine greeting and comment on something you enjoy about them honestly (cute outfit; love the way you fixed your hair; nice to see all of you together; looks like you’re going to go have some fun…)

 

2. Then, check in – and find out what they have done that they’d like to share with you first – things like: “real quick, give me a highlight from your day”; or “in one minute, tell me something you’re proud of that you accomplished today”; or “what’s a nice thing that happened for you today?” or “what’s something you did you feel good about?” or in this particular situation: “I’d like to know what’s been happening on the home front – catch me up real quick before you head out.”

 

3. If they share something they have done, like washing all the dishes, give them genuine acknowledgement and appreciation. “Good to know. I’m so relieved I’m coming home to a sink free of dirty dishes – Thanks!”

 

4. Then, after acknowledgments and connecting genuinely, you can ask – “Is there anything else related to the house and our agreements that would be good to address before you head out?” or “Anything that didn’t get done I should be aware of so I’m not surprised?” …

Then, if the youngest fesses up to not sweeping, you have lots of options:

Genuinely say you’d be happy to do it on this occasion, and be grateful she let you know

or

Thank her for giving you the heads up and ask her when she can commit to having it done by and give her a chance to fulfill her obligation.

You can also offer to help her out when she does it at the time she says – “Great – I’ll be here and can hold the dustpan for you and we’ll get it done in no time.”

The more you’re in a good mood about it, the more they’ll be pleasant back to you.

 

You’re in a thankless role most of the time. What I’ve found to make it more pleasant is to be honestly thankful for small, little things, and to use opportunities when you can to connect and to promote a feeling of “we” and “we’re all in this together” which will have you all feeling more like a family.

 

In terms of their father – the less he feels in the middle, the less he’ll have to take sides.  If he’s defending his girls, you can get a lot of good feedback from him about what he sees they need to be defended from – what’s going on that has him feel a need to jump to their defense against you.  This may not be easy to hear, and you may find yourself feeling defensive too.  Keep breathing, and allow yourself to listen and learn.  Then, offer to him where you’re coming from and your challenges – not so much from being right about your position, but more from a place of how hard your role is and how much his support means to you.  Then the two of you can explore how you can be more aligned as a couple when it comes to your home and how you’d like things to be together for the two of you and for all of you as you go forward.

 May 26, 2012  Posted by at 9:33 pm Children, Family, Parenting Differences, Stepchildren , , , , ,  No Responses »
© 2012 Emily Bouchard | 336 Bon Air Center, #145 · Greenbrae, CA 94904 | info@emilybouchard.com