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September 16th is Stepfamily Day!

Sep 142012
 

In the United States, and perhaps in other countries as well, September 16 has been designated as “Stepfamily Day”.  A day dedicated to the stepfamily. A day to honor all the StepHeroesTM out there who choose every day to be parents to ALL the children in their lives.

I will be featured on Headline News Weekend Express with Natasha Curry this Sunday to talk about Stepfamily Day and the challenges blended families face.

What will you do to honor your family on this special day?

  • Some communities have picnic celebrations planned.
  • Some blended families choose to spend the day together, as a family, without any electronic devices on for the whole day.
  • Other stepfamilies go to a favorite place with friends and play together. 

The truth is that the vast majority let the day go by as any other day and miss the chance to honor themselves for all the effort and hard work it takes to make a blended family work.  Why? Because they do not even know this day exists for them.  They are not aware of all the resources out there for them.  They believe that they are the only ones who are experiencing what it is like to be in a blended family and they feel all alone.

Time to Celebrate!

This could be a great opportunity to reach out to other step and blended families in your community.  Here are some ideas:

  • Arrange a spontaneous pot-luck, where you invite two other families you know who are also blended, and ask each of them to invite two blended families that they know.
  • Have some activities planned for the different age groups of children, and plan to meet at a location that can accommodate you all (one of your homes; a nearby park or playground; a community center; …).
  • This doesn’t have to be fancy and you do not have to spend a ton of money.  In fact, you can have each family bring one of their favorite games to play, and see what you discover – how many are the same? How many are different?  Which ones have never been played? Which ones are the ones everybody knows and has? …  Spend the day connecting and being with others who are blending too.

Step and Blended Families that choose to make this kind of effort are always amazed at the rewards that happen unexpectedly.  Oftentimes, they enjoy the experience so much that they decide to make it a monthly event, with a different theme each month.

 

Excited or Resistant?

Are you finding yourself excited and elated by this idea? Or are your first thoughts those of resistance or dread?

Notice how your mind is responding to this idea.  Is it coming up with all kinds of reasons why you could not or would not or should not do this?  While all those reasons may appear to be valid, chances are they are not necessarily true.

Our minds have a way of keeping us from trying or doing anything that is different or out of the ordinary.  This is a natural, healthy defense mechanism designed to keep us safe.  The problem is that what we perceive as safe is often just what is familiar.  The unfamiliar is then deemed to be unsafe, when the reality is that it can be very safe, fun, fulfilling, and full of new possibilities.

 

Could your blended family use a fun boost during this busy, back-to-school season? Could you use a break from the stress and day to day responsibilities and obligations?  And, this idea can be tapped into any day, not just September 16!

 

ACTION STEP: 

Here’s my challenge to you:  Make a commitment to honor Stepfamily Day in whatever way seems right for you, sometime within the next week (this weekend if at all possible).  I invite you to take a step towards even greater enjoyment and connection in your blended family.

 September 14, 2012  Posted by at 10:07 pm Blended Family Estate Planning, Family, Stepchildren, stepfamily, Uncategorized , , , , , ,  No Responses »

Blended Families Bond Using Giving and Philanthropy

Jul 132012
 

 

Families of all shapes and sizes and backgrounds can benefit from understanding how to incorporate giving into their family conversations and activities. There are other distinct advantages to introducing giving into your stepfamily system.

In stepfamilies, there are children who, more than likely, are not enthralled with the reconfiguration of their family.  One powerful way to begin to blend your family is to introduce a conversation around giving back and philanthropy.

No matter how conflictual the situation may be in your stepfamily situation, you can be sure that there are other families out there who are seriously challenged, be it with poverty and homelessness, with illness or developmental delays; or with lack of access to resources like medical care, clean water, healthy food, etc.

 

When we tell our kids and stepkids to “count their blessings” they are likely to focus on what they are unhappy about and what’s wrong in their life.  When we show our children through example, through direct experience, and through mediums that resonate with them, how truly lucky they are, they can begin to draw on the healing power of gratitude in their lives.

 

Giving is Good For You

Research shows that when we are generous, when we volunteer and donate, we FEEL better – literally. It turns out that being altruistic is one of the more healthy acts we can perform – it helps us be more optimistic, resilient, and physically well, throughout our lives.  What most people don’t realize is that it’s not about the SIZE of the gift – it’s the act of giving – that makes the difference. Anyone can be philanthropic – the word simply means acting on one’s love of mankind.  We can show our love for others in all sorts of ways, regardless of how much money we have in the bank.

Involving All Family Members – No Matter the Ages

When considering opening up the possibility of giving together, a great place to start is to find out what each person in your family has experienced around giving.

 

A way to begin is to simply explore how giving has been experienced, such as:

We all give and receive and some experiences are more memorable than others. Let’s all take a couple of minutes to share a time when we each gave in a way that really felt good, and also a time when we received that was particularly special.

 

This conversation could be used to capture some initial family values that each of you share individually.  As people share you could have pieces of plain paper or a roll of butcher paper in front of you with different colored markers.  As you listen, anyone could pick up a marker and write down or draw a picture capturing the value that they are hearing in what someone is sharing.

 

Once all your stories and values have been captured, see where there may be some overlapping values that you call are aligned with – you can group similar words together and come up with one or two words that capture that theme.  These shared values create the cornerstone of your blended family’s foundation.

 

From Values to Family Mission

Once you all agree on your particular shared values (these could be anything from kindness to generosity to education to animals to orderliness…) you can then explore your collective mission that you would all feel good about getting behind in your giving.

 

For example, if you all agree on generosity, your mission could be something like: “We tithe 10% of what we receive financially towards those who don’t have as much as we do.” If your shared value includes animals, you could have a statement such as: “We give x # of hours each month to an organization that shelters animals.”

 

The most important part of all these activities is to include everyone and to make it a shared exploration. If any one person over-rides others, you will not have engagement, you will have resentment.  If it becomes a power struggle between certain family members, see what you can do to let go of any agenda or attachment to how this is all supposed to turn out or look, and begin to get curious about what else is trying to happen.

 

Maybe your particular family isn’t ready to draft a mission yet and needs a chance to explore other ways of giving together.

 

Giving Together Builds Traditions

Blended families can be challenged in having shared traditions. They often have fractured times during holidays and other celebrations due to the different family homes and dynamics.  Having a central theme around giving that your blended family does together gives you a chance to create new, shared experiences and traditions that are your own.  Families feel closer and more bonded and connected when they share in experiences that help them feel good – positive memories last a lifetime and do wonders for building bridges.

Resources

When thinking about incorporating giving in your family, there are some terrific resources to help you get started. Some of these that I’ve found to be particularly helpful are:

Youth Give – their resources page has free downloadable pdfs with excellent conversation starters, family activities, and a resource list including books for children of all ages – all created by Lisa Parker of Family Circle Advisors.

Catalytic Women — a memberships site with an extensive library of resources for anyone interested in becoming philanthropically involved.  They also do a series of webinars and host evocative conversations and events related to philanthropy.  We presented on Philanthropic Journeys with Family with Melanie Hamburger for their July webinar – go here to learn more.

Inspired Legacies – Tracy Gary, author of Inspired Philanthropy, provides consultation and speaks about philanthropy and is a leading expert in the field.

 

For More Information – Join Us Tuesday, July17th, in Riverside CA at StepFamily Systems!

Or Contact Us for a private consultation

 

 

 July 13, 2012  Posted by at 4:00 am Blended Family Estate Planning, Blended Family Giving, Blended Family Philanthropy, Children, Couples and Estate Planning, Family, Family Philanthropy, Legacy, Philanthropy, Stepchildren , , , , , , , , ,  No Responses »

Teenagers vs. StepMoms – Who Should Dad Defend?

May 262012
 

I recently received a request for help regarding a common scenario encountered by most stepmoms I work with.  The stepdaughters in this situation didn’t do one thing they were supposed to but did do another chore that also often got missed. Their dad quickly came to their defense against their stepmom right in front of them, causing the stepmom to feel disempowered and disrepected, driving a further wedge between her and her husband and his girls.  This is so unfortunate and causes underlying hurt, anger and resentment to erode the love that had the two of them try to make a go of it in the first place. What follows is her request for help and my response – I welcome your responses too!

Dear Emily,

One of the biggest issues I have is this:

If something bothers me about my step kids and I go to my husband to talk to him about it, he often gets defensive and defends the kids. I hate this.  Recently this happened.

I came home and my stepdaughters were heading outside. I piped up and said….Oh the kitchen floor didn’t get swept yet (it’s my youngest stepdaughters chore)  The middle stepdaughter pipes up…and in a whining voice …said…. But WEEEE just did ALLLLLLL the dishes! I said that’s ok …I’ll just do it….so I decided I’ll just do it. My husband then enters the room and said the same thing… “They just did ALLL the dishes!” I’ve explained to him that my relationship with the kids is already fragile and when he defends them instead of me they have no reason to respect me. He just doesn’t get it.

“Cathy”

Dear “Cathy”,

I recall many a situation like this with my teenaged stepdaughters and their dad when I first entered their lives.  You are definitely not alone in this one, and I know many other can relate to the frustration and the hurt you feel around how the girls treat you and how your husband didn’t support you.  What I’d like to offer to you is how you might be able to better respond and support yourself in situations like this one in the future (yes, I’m afraid you’re very likely to encounter this scenario again and again).

One thing that can often happen in stepfamily situations like yours is that relating tends to focus on what’s not right and what we don’t like instead of what we enjoy about each other. It becomes a bit of a negative feedback loop and before we know it, everyone’s walking around on eggshells and defensive.

 

In the situation you describe, what I notice is that your “piping up” may have been the first or primary interaction with the girls that day – and if they reacted the way they did, chances are they were expecting and looking for how you were going to point out something you would like to be different – which most likely gets experienced by them as criticism or even as an attack.  That’s what happens in the body when we go to defensiveness – we’re feeling attacked somehow.

 

If you would like less of these sorts of interactions, I’d recommend you try the following for a week and see what happens (it may take more time for them to get that it’s for real, if this has been a long standing pattern):

 

1. When you encounter each other, have a warm, genuine greeting and comment on something you enjoy about them honestly (cute outfit; love the way you fixed your hair; nice to see all of you together; looks like you’re going to go have some fun…)

 

2. Then, check in – and find out what they have done that they’d like to share with you first – things like: “real quick, give me a highlight from your day”; or “in one minute, tell me something you’re proud of that you accomplished today”; or “what’s a nice thing that happened for you today?” or “what’s something you did you feel good about?” or in this particular situation: “I’d like to know what’s been happening on the home front – catch me up real quick before you head out.”

 

3. If they share something they have done, like washing all the dishes, give them genuine acknowledgement and appreciation. “Good to know. I’m so relieved I’m coming home to a sink free of dirty dishes – Thanks!”

 

4. Then, after acknowledgments and connecting genuinely, you can ask – “Is there anything else related to the house and our agreements that would be good to address before you head out?” or “Anything that didn’t get done I should be aware of so I’m not surprised?” …

Then, if the youngest fesses up to not sweeping, you have lots of options:

Genuinely say you’d be happy to do it on this occasion, and be grateful she let you know

or

Thank her for giving you the heads up and ask her when she can commit to having it done by and give her a chance to fulfill her obligation.

You can also offer to help her out when she does it at the time she says – “Great – I’ll be here and can hold the dustpan for you and we’ll get it done in no time.”

The more you’re in a good mood about it, the more they’ll be pleasant back to you.

 

You’re in a thankless role most of the time. What I’ve found to make it more pleasant is to be honestly thankful for small, little things, and to use opportunities when you can to connect and to promote a feeling of “we” and “we’re all in this together” which will have you all feeling more like a family.

 

In terms of their father – the less he feels in the middle, the less he’ll have to take sides.  If he’s defending his girls, you can get a lot of good feedback from him about what he sees they need to be defended from – what’s going on that has him feel a need to jump to their defense against you.  This may not be easy to hear, and you may find yourself feeling defensive too.  Keep breathing, and allow yourself to listen and learn.  Then, offer to him where you’re coming from and your challenges – not so much from being right about your position, but more from a place of how hard your role is and how much his support means to you.  Then the two of you can explore how you can be more aligned as a couple when it comes to your home and how you’d like things to be together for the two of you and for all of you as you go forward.

 May 26, 2012  Posted by at 9:33 pm Children, Family, Parenting Differences, Stepchildren , , , , ,  No Responses »
© 2012 Emily Bouchard | 336 Bon Air Center, #145 · Greenbrae, CA 94904 | info@emilybouchard.com